By Jennifer Vear Hoy, MS/MS
Grief can be overwhelming—a series of seemingly endless attacks of sorrow rooted in profound loss and expressed in various (and often disconcerting) ways. In the midst of such an emotional war zone, how does one learn to survive…and hopefully one day thrive…after the loss of a love?
It helps to remind us that grief is universal in time and space. There is no easy replacement for love and loss. Like death and taxes, as the saying goes, it comes to us all. As one Russian lady told me, he who was never born can never die. As human beings, we are hard-wired to grieve after a major loss. It has been this way forever.
And yet, the expression of grief is unique to each individual and deeply personal. No two people grieve the same way. There is no handbook to follow or “right” way to grieve. Our expression of grief is as unique as our fingerprints, as is its impact upon our body, mind, and spirit. Our bodies may erupt in illness or unusual pain. Headaches, insomnia, digestive problems, lack of appetite, or even over-indulgence in food or drink are common. Mentally, the bereaved person may be deeply emotional, depressed, unable to concentrate, or make routine decisions. Spiritually, mourners may feel a sense of disconnect from their regular religious practices or seek new spiritual avenues to try and cope with the depth and disruption of their grief. No wonder many mourners find the grief experience overwhelming!
Looking at the wisdom of the ages may help the mourner to gain a perspective on grief. A review of Ecclesiastes from the Old Testament is one such example. From the Old Testament scribes to the Pete Seeger song popularized by the Byrds in the 1960’s, its teachings transcend time and space, as this extract demonstrates:
To Everything There is a Season:
–A time to be born, a time to die,
–A time to sow, a time to reap,
–A time for tearing down, and a time for building up,
–A time for sorrow, and a time for joy,
–A time for mourning, and a time for dancing,
–A time for finding, and a time for letting go,
–A time for silence, and a time to talk,
–A time for love, and a time for hate,
And in the powerful words of the Byrd’s musical rendition:
–A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late.
Ecclesiastes describes the lessons of life, as true today as it was ages ago. Change is inevitable in the human condition and grief is a natural part of that cycle.
This perspective on grief is another reflection of its universality. The teachings of Ecclesiastes transcend the limits of time and space. It also provides an apt summary of human nature.
Now that we have gained a bit of perspective, let’s take look at the underlying scholarship pertaining to grief. Elizabeth Kubler Ross was one of the first academics to investigate this area. In her classic book On Death and Dying, Kubler Ross focuses upon the following stages of grief. Recent scholars have underscored that these stages may vary, and some mourners may experience them in order while others do not. Modern science has amplified and expanded upon the original Kubler Ross stages.
1. Shock/Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.
Let’s take a look at these stages, one by one.
Shock/Denial
The first phase often helps the mourner deal with trauma when learning of the loss. “Oh no, this can’t be so!” This phase enables the grieving party to begin to believe and process the loss.
Anger
Anger is also an early grief stage that may have no rationale, rhyme, or reason. It may be directed at the lost love, the Fates, or even the medical profession. Some mourners direct their grief and anger at God. Why God? WHY??? Why did you take my loved one from me? WHY? TELL ME WHY???? Some grieving folks are enraged that the loss of the beloved means that cherished goals or plans together will now never be realized.
Bargaining
At times, some mourners seek to exert control over a situation with negotiation. As any theologian will attest, trying to drive a hard bargain with the Almighty is fruitless. Nevertheless, some mourners attempt to curry favor in the cosmic gamble of life and death offering something…anything!…to stave off the inevitable.
Depression
The mourner may sink into depression with realization that the loved one will never return. Such depression may manifest itself through profound sadness, lack of energy, over/under eating or drinking, inability to enjoy activities one previously found pleasurable, as well as finding oneself mired in the blues and the blahs.
Acceptance
At long last, acceptance means putting grief in its proper perspective and taking steps to move on in one’s life. Acceptance does not cancel out grief. Rather, it enables mourners to honor and cherish the memory of the departed loved one while beginning to focus upon the future. Acceptance does not diminish the love the mourner feels for the departed loved one. Rather, it enables the grieving person to address their own future
while treasuring memories of their past. Reflecting upon the wisdom of Ecclesiastes, acceptance is the realization that there is a time for sorrow and a time for joy. So, make today count!
Understanding the dynamics of the grief experience is helpful, but sometimes one needs more concrete suggestions as how to survive the loss of a love. Here are a few suggestions which a person struggling with grief may want to add to their emotional tool kit.
Tips and Techniques
. Hold a conversation with your departed loved one to express how you feel without them in your daily life.
. Write a letter to your Beloved about how you are living your life now.
. Play music the two of you enjoyed together whether it is middle-aged makeout music, jazz, senile rock and roll, or the classics.
. Travel to places the two of you had always wanted to visit and cherish the experience, as you are doing it for both of you.
. Prepare a favorite dinner for two of you and set a special place for your departed “guest.” Perhaps crack open a bottle of wine and reminisce about the joy of your life together.
. Exercise to get those endorphins circulating when you are having a rough day.
. On truly tough days, close the windows, shut the doors, and beat the heck out of a pillow. Yell, scream, shout as loud as you need to achieve a release.
. Participate in a fundraiser or make a donation to your Beloved’s favorite charity.
. On truly difficult days –such as your loved one’s birthday or your anniversary – consider donating your time at a
local foodbank or other outreach area.
. And finally, be patient and gentle with yourself. Understand that it takes time, effort, and energy to survive the loss of a love. Remember this: there are only a few different letters between the words SURVIVE AND THRIVE.
1048 Goodlette Road, North, Suite 201,
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239-307-4708
PeacefulSummitNaples.com
Specializing in grief/loss, assertiveness training, anxiety, anger management, addiction, depression, relationship counseling, and eating disorders.