Setting Healthy Boundaries

By Richard Capiola, MD

You’ve probably heard of the idea of setting boundaries. Just about any counselor will tell you that boundaries are important for your mental health and that without them your life can seem out of control.

In general, a boundary is defined as a point where two things become different. For example, a river can form a boundary between two states. Your skin is a boundary between you and the outside world. Physical boundaries are easy to see. But what about personal boundaries? How do we set them and how do we make others aware of them is they cannot be seen?

Boundaries differ from person to person and are mediated by variations in culture, personality, and social context. Boundaries appropriate in a business meeting would seem irrelevant in a nightclub with old friends! Setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different kinds of relationships and in different circumstances.

Knowing when and how to set up healthy boundaries can be tricky. When you evaluate your values and core beliefs, it’s easier to put protections in place to support your own physical, mental and emotional health. When you do this, in most cases, you’ll be overwhelmingly supported.

What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are an important tool needed to make sure we have our needs met. They allow us to:
• Retain our identity.
• Prevent others from taking advantage of or manipulating us.
• Promote healthy relationships.
• Allow us to be appropriately assertive.
• Empower us to strive for personal goals and establish empathy for others.

“Boundaries are the framework we set for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people,” says Karen Salerno, Social worker, MSSA, LISW-S. “It’s setting up how you want to be treated, it promotes physical and emotional wellbeing, and it respects your needs and the other person’s needs in a relationship.”1

Let’s look at some examples of healthy boundaries.
• Saying no without guilt. This is especially difficult in
American culture where we feel obligated to give an
excuse rather than just saying no to a request.
• Saying yes because you want to — not out of guilt or obligation.
• Asking for what you want or need.
• Taking care of yourself.
• Behaving according to your own values and beliefs.
• Feeling safe to express difficult emotions and have disagreements.
• Feeling supported to pursue your own goals.
• Being treated as an equal.
• Taking responsibility for your own happiness and not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness.

How to set boundaries
In order to set boundaries, you must be self-aware. Before you can communicate your expectations to others, you’ll need to know them yourself. Knowing yourself and what you are and are not comfortable with in certain situations is important.

Once you have an idea about who you are and what makes you uncomfortable, good communication is the next step. Be clear and assertive. Communicate clearly and effectively, without being demanding or whiny. Assertiveness involves expressing feelings openly and respectfully.

Her are three easy steps to setting healthy boundaries:
Step 1. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. Do not raise your voice.
Step 2. State your need or request directly in terms of what you’d like, rather than what you don’t want or like.
Step 3. Accept any discomfort that arises as a result, whether it’s guilt, shame, or remorse.

That last step can be a doozy since we often train ourselves that guilt, shame, and remorse are negative emotions. Accepting our emotions then helps us to deal with our emotions. Not allowing ourselves to feel emotions, positive or negative, is not healthy. We feel how we feel and we need to learn what to do with whatever feelings come as a result of our decisions.

Unhealthy boundaries are often learned in childhood. Fortunately, they can be unlearned. Once you understand what healthy boundaries are, you can begin to explore your barriers to healthy boundaries. Like all skills, learning appropriate boundaries takes practice. With time and practice, you will begin to experience feeling safe, worthy, and in control.

If your mental health could benefit by some new, healthier boundaries, there is help in SWFL. Dr. Richard Capiola, MD is a Board-Certified Psychiatrist in Naples with over 31 years of experience in the medical field. He graduated from Tulane University School of Medicine in 1990. Be sure to call ahead with Dr. Capiola to book an appointment.

ABOUT DR. CAPIOLA
With triple board certification in general psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and forensic psychiatry, Dr. Richard J. Capiola has been in practice for 27 years. During his training at Tulane Medical School and UCLA, Dr. Capiola developed a keen interest in the treatment of depression and anxiety overlapping with drug and alcohol abuse. This focus led to his role as chief medical officer for Oglethorpe Inc., which specializes in the treatment of mental health and addiction. He has been instrumental in the clinical development and oversight of 12 specialty treatment centers in five states.

Dr. Capiola’s specialties include adult and adolescent psychiatry, treatment of anxiety, depression, and substance use problems, and forensic psychiatry, where he evaluates patients with legal issues related to mental health.

Dr. Capiola is the chief of psychiatry for Physicians Regional Medical Center and was the medical director for the Wilough at Naples for many years. He’s served 10 years with The Joint Commission, which evaluates hospitals nationwide for quality of care and safety.

Dr. Capiola was the featured neuropsychiatrist in the recent book “Don’t Give Up On Me” with Darryl Strawberry. His confidential private practice focuses on using each individual’s inherent strengths to achieve the goal of living a healthy, well-balanced life.

Richard Capiola, MD
239.649.7494
704 Goodlette Frank Road North, Suite 222
Naples, Florida 34102

References:
1. Bigleyj (2023) How to set healthy boundaries in relationships,
Cleveland Clinic. Cleveland Clinic. Available at:
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-set-boundaries/.
o Nash, P.D. (2022) How to set healthy boundaries & build positive
relationships, PositivePsychology.com. Available at:
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-
boundaries/.