Few of us have been left untouched by a sense of loss during the last few years: the COVID-19 pandemic has upended life as we knew it. For the families of more than 1 million Americans, that loss has been deeply personal: someone they dearly loved succumbed to the disease, sometimes without a chance to say goodbye.
Others of us are mourning the passing of loved ones from other causes, or loss of a job or home. Our children are trying to make sense of disrupted relationships and new ways of connecting to others that can feel forced, sterile, and deeply unsatisfying.
Yet here we are, facing “the holidays” that are supposed to be full of happiness, anticipation, celebration, and time with those we love. The disconnect between what we are supposed to feel and what we really feel can be jarring – and simply overwhelming.
Fortunately, there is help available in Southwest Florida for children, teens, adults, and seniors who need a compassionate guide through the “emotional landmines” buried in family holiday traditions and expectations. Avow’s Center for Grief Support and Avow Kids® programs are staffed with grief experts who are available to all, without cost, through the holidays and year-round.
“People who are grieving can feel cut-off emotionally from the family and social rituals that are such key parts of the holidays,” says Lea Pascotto, Avow’s manager of supportive care. “Children and teens find security in traditions, so when a loss disrupts those familiar rituals, they can feel especially vulnerable and sad. Parents can help their kids cope by talking about which family traditions they value most. If someone has died, is there a way to maintain the usual family holiday activities while also recognizing the one who is absent? It is important to acknowledge that while things may be different, this is an opportunity for the whole family to decide which traditions to keep and which ones to change going forward. The key is communication: kids look to their parents/guardians for cues on how to cope. They can grow through this difficult time when they work with their families to redefine family celebrations and rituals.”
Adults working through grief may find themselves pressured to live up to others’ expectations about how to celebrate, says Rita Ruggles, manager of psychosocial services for Avow. “The hardest step may be the first step: acknowledging that traditions may have to change,” she says. “When a loved one dies, others in the family or circle of friends often take on new roles in the group. This alone can be difficult to navigate. If grandma always made the special dessert at Thanksgiving, who will step up to do it this year? It’s not about who will make the pie – it’s about who can fill the emotional role grandma played. If mom was in charge of sending holiday cards, does dad or anyone else have the energy to take over that task now that mom is gone?”
First on the list of tips Ruggles has to offer adults is to prioritize self-care. It is OK to say no to activities and invitations that require too much energy. It is essential to recognize that everyone grieves in their own fashion and on their own timetable – especially when it comes to how they cope with rituals and traditions. “You may decide that moving a celebration to a restaurant or other new location is the best thing to do this year,” Ruggles says. “People who are grieving also find that generosity heals. You might decide to donate to a loved one’s favorite cause in their name or volunteer at a community or religious institution you value. Maybe you’ll find those options are just too difficult this year – and that’s OK. What seems impossible today will likely be easier next year. You, and you alone, oversee your grief. Do what you need to maintain your own emotional and physical health, regardless of what others think.”
Pascotto and Ruggles urge those who need support through the holidays – or anytime – to contact Avow at (239) 280-2288 or avowcares.org. Avow’s Center for Grief Support and Avow Kids programs offer year-round groups, activities, workshops, one-on-one sessions, and camps to help people of all ages move through loss. Many services are available through online sessions, open to anyone, anywhere. The Center for Grief Support and the Avow Kids program (located in Aunt Janet’s House®) are located on the Avow campus in central Collier County. Thanks to generous community support, there is never a cost for care.
For a free copy of “30 Tips for Surviving the Holidays” and “Nine Steps to Deal with Grief During the Holidays,” send a message to bereavement@avowcares.org. Parents and guardians who would like more information on supporting a grieving young person can find help by emailing avowkids@avowcares.org.
239.280.2288
www.avowcares.org